Ding! Dong! The Witch Is Dead!

"Ding! Dong! The merry-oh!

Sing it high! Sing it low!

Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead!"

Have you heard about the death of Global Warming? Probably not. Her friends are trying desperately to get the check signed before the coroner finishes up her death certificate. She was going to be feted by the world next week in Copenhagen, but went into heart palpitations when she was unmasked by a whistleblower at the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom.

It seems said whistleblower unearthed about ten year's worth of e-mails in which leading climate scientists played expensive pranks on the American people, teaming up with wacky funsters like Al Gore and Ted Danson and the American media establishment to rob you of the ability to heat your home and run your air conditioner. You see, anthropomorphic global warming is based on the CRU's "climate models," shapely women who are coming to every home, apartment, teepee and wickiup in America to quadruple our electricity bills and collect money from our sorry butts for inventing central air and refrigeration.

So what did these charming e-mails say? Here are a few quotes:

"I've just completed Mike's Nature trick of adding in the real temps to each series for the last 20 years and from 1961 for Keith's to hide the decline."

"I can't see any of these papers being in the next IPCC report. Kevin and I will keep them out somehow -- even if we have to redefine what peer-reviewed literature is!"

"I'm getting hassled by a couple of people to release the CRU temperature station data. Don't any of you three tell anybody that the UK has a Freedom of Information Act!"

And my personal favorite: "The fact is that we can't account for the lack of warming at the moment and it is a travesty that we can't."

George Monbiot, a raging global warming alarmist, lamented that the e-mails "could scarcely be more damaging...I'm deeply shaken by them."

I almost feel sorry for them. They were THIS close...THIS CLOSE! to getting the U.S. to sign on to an accord that would account for the largest transfer of wealth the world has ever seen. (In case you missed Lord Monckton's speech on youtube, you and I were going to be on the losing end of that deal.) And it still may happen, for, is the Copenhagen accord dead? Not really. While I may be singing "Free At Last," powerful people are taking turns at resuscitating the body, hoping to keep her on life support until they clear the Copenhagen hurdle. Count on a valiant effort to keep the body alive until the papers are signed...BUT, in the mean time--

SING IT WITH ME NOW!

Ding! Dong! The witch is dead!

Which old witch? The wicked witch!

Ding! Dong! The wicked witch is dead!

Climate Debt

There's a new buzzword about to sweep the country -- once the climate conference in Copenhagen begins, we will be hearing ad nauseam about "climate debt." What is climate debt? YOU OUGHTA KNOW -- YOU OWE IT!

For the past 100 years, you see, the United States has polluted the earth with so many greenhouse gases that will damage so many lives throughout the world from Global Warming. We -- you, me, here, now -- owe our wealth to those whose lives will be destroyed when the oceans rise and the moon turns to blood. Al Gore says by 2015, my minivan will have displaced millions of Africans and Pacific Islanders and Floridians from their watery homes to wretched refugee camps inland.

Who do you think is going to pay for these displaced people? Oh, silly you -- DON'T WORRY! The United Nations has a plan. YOU, the unwitting and generous citizen of the United States, will pay! You, gentle reader, owe the developing world for your use of your car, your home, your electricity, your gas (um, natural gas), and the general way you go about your life taking all your pollutants for granted. YOU owe them all.

Of course, no one owes US a debt for creating a climate (punny!) where Edison could invent the light bulb and bring man out of the darkness and increase his productivity. No one owes US a debt for inventing the air conditioner -- thank you, Willis Haviland Carrier. We don't ask for the world to pay us for inventing modern anesthesia and medicines like the polio vaccine and antibiotics. We don't ask anything for creating more wealth in 100 years than the earth has seen since the dawn of man and sharing more educational opportunities, capital and innovation than any other nation on earth. Ever.

Of course, with real unemployment at 17.5% and a stock market teetering under the weight of its own over-valuation, I don't have a lot of extra cash. So my plan is to make a LOT of these pies and give them to the UN -- maybe then they'll leave the kids' college funds untouched.

TURTLE PUMPKIN PIE

1/4 cup plus 2 Tablespoons caramel sauce, divided

1 graham cracker pie crust

1/2 cup chopped pecans

2 pkg. (3.4 oz) vanilla INSTANT pudding

1 cup cold milk

1 cup canned pumpkin

1 1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice

1 (8 oz) tub Cool Whip

Pour 1/4 cup caramel sauce into bottom of pie crust, and top the caramel with pecans. In a medium bowl, blend pudding mixes, milk, pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice until blended. Fold in 1 1/2 cups Cool Whip and spoon into crust. Refrigerate 2 hours. Top with remaining Cool Whip and caramel sauce and serve to hungry guests. Or refugees.